Saturday, 14 December 2013

Shambles Miller Presents: The Scottish Fiction Selfie Competition Winner(s) and Runners Up

Hello everyone. Shambles Miller here again. It's day six and I think you all know why I've brought you here today. My momentous takeover of Scottish Fiction is almost over, but before I burn this place to the ground and walk away from the explosion while Metallica plays in the background (that's tomorrow) we still have to crown a winner of the Scottish Fiction Selfie Competition. Of course, we can't have a winner without a judge. When I first came up with the idea of a selfie competition, I knew that there was only one man for the job. Only one man who could do it right. Only one man who could do it justice. The God of Games. The King in the North. The Sultan of Selfie. It can only be...Robert Florence.

He's here to judge a contest, and to stare into your soul.
You might know him from the hit show Burnistoun. Perhaps you know him from the time he wrestled Greg Hemphill. Some of you might even know that he invented the Public Power Selfie, and it's that pioneering work and dedication to the craft that gives him the authority to judge this competition. So without further ado, I'll let the man himself present you with his winner and runners up. Runner ups? Runners up.

The Runners Up

Aidan Moffat
In this case, V does NOT stand for victory.
This has been a very difficult decision for me. I'm known as the Master of the Modern Selfie, so I never take any of these selfie judicial roles lightly. I will begin by saying that I was impressed by Aidan Moffat's effort. A selfie is not all about the “self”. This is a common mistake made by some. To believe that the “self” is enough to capture the magic of the selfie is sheer folly. (For what indeed is the “self”? Philosophers have wrestled with this matter for centuries.) The background of the selfie is key, and Aidan Moffat (who has a poet's heart) understands this completely. We assume he is on a boat, but he could easily be hovering above a body of Scottish water, representing man's separation from nature. It is a beautiful thing. But yet, only a runner-up.

RM Hubbert

Mona Lisa wishes she was this enigmatic.
RM Hubbert's selfie is what I would call a textbook “exclusion selfie”. His eyeline is carrying below the lens, separating his self from the self of the viewer. He excludes us by doing this, keeping his mysteries to himself. But this is how an artist invites us to probe those mysteries. I imagine that this selfie will be studied for many years to come – what do the posters represent? Why that exact number of books on those shelves? This is a classic “enigmelfie” by a wonderful musician.

Julia Doogan

She played dirty, but she didn't win.
Julia Doogan, by introducing the tongue into the selfie, invites us on a sexual journey. There is also an element of topicality, as she channels Miley Cyrus with her careful angling of the tongue. Her two fingers warn us off, but also ask us to consider how we can use two fingers in the sexual act. Of course, the selfie should be a “high-art” pursuit, and Doogan dips a little towards “low-art” with the sexual content and the introduction of mirrors and doors and the debauchery they represent.

The Winner(s)!

Campfires in Winter
Professionals. These guys are the A-Team of Selfies, and they're all The Face.
The winner of this thing must be Campfires In Winter. Masters of the selfie can recreate poses at will. A great selfie is all about knowing how you can look at your best. And having seen some of the Campfires In Winter team in real life, these photos do absolutely present them at their very best. That they can recreate those poses so easily shows that they have an innate understanding of the selfie, and thus they must take away the prize. Is there a prize?

There isn't. Because what prize could be greater than having the title "winner" thrust right upon you by the Best in the Selfie Business? Money? An Xbox One? Don't be ridiculous. Maybe a Wii U. I'm sad that I couldn't enter the competition, but also relieved. To fly so close to the sun is always a dangerous thing. I just hope Campfires in Winter don't get burned. Congratulations men! You've earned this victory, and you deserve it.

Thanks to everyone who took part, and a special thank you to Robert Florence for agreeing to be the guest judge. Braw folk. Braw faces.

Until tomorrow, my friends.


x


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