Thursday, 26 June 2014

The Spook School Takeover! - Day 4: JUMP, JUMP, JUMP

It's Day 4 of this travesty of a takeover from us, The Spook School. Neil is beginning to struggle in the basement, he's currently composing emails to S Club 8 to invite them in for an acoustic session. Last night I heard him shout, "they're the new Frightened Rabbit!"

The world has long wondered...who is that jumping with a guitar over there? The answer, of course, is Adam 'The Body' Toddy. He has travelled the world (as far as Leith say the legends) leaping, apparently aimlessly, whilst throttling an electronic guitar instrument. He has found himself often used as a political football (it's slightly bigger than a regulation football so it shows up better at photo-shoots). David 'Just call me Dave' Cameron once remarked 'Jumping is for losers'. The Liberal Democrats asked him to replace Nick 'I Promise I'll Jump, No Wait, I Can't Jump' Clegg. And the Labour Party offered him an owl.

We caught up with him at you, the Internet's, behest. We grabbed him, tied him to a chair and said, 'stop jumping for five seconds and let us ask you some questions' and 'can you cook us some vegan curry?' and ''what do you mean you can't cook tied to a chair?'

How tall are you? Round about the same height as the average Argentinian female.

He went and jumped his shoes right off!
How tall are you when you jump? Round about the same height as the average Argentinian male.

Adam jumping at the bright lights.
How many times have you jumped in your career? Six-hundred and sixty five. On my next jump the devil will be summoned and I will harness the power of all evil.
Adam jumping in what appears to be a cinema

Do you remember your first jump? No. That's a silly question. Nobody remembers their first jump.

From Adam's first jump.  You can tell it was a long time ago because it's black and white.
What do your jumps stand for politically? My jumps don't stand. They jump. They jump for the release of Pussy Riot (I know that's already happened but they just can't stop).
F**k you gravity!!!

What do your jumps stand for musically?
Shambollic non-musicianship. 

I've jumped my guitar into my face!
What do your jumps stand for economically? 100% tax for the super-wealthy and anyone who has ever thought "Oh, that David Cameron has a pretty face." Even just for one nano-second. Tax them all.

Perfection.  Simply perfection.
Is it true you can't hold a guitar if you are seated? Yes. I'm allergic.

Adam practicing his jumping face

What does the future hold for our dear, dear Adam? Is it yet more jumping? A medical diagnosis of jumpaphilia? A prime-time Channel 5 Special called "The Guitarist Who Jump-Started A Revolution...And Then His Face Exploded!!!"? We can only pray... and think rationally, scientifically and logically. Is there a moral to Adam's story I hear you ask? Not really, no. But if I had to come up with one I would say the moral was, 'use jumpers for goalposts, use jump leads for dead car batteries and never watch 22 Jump Street. It's not really about jumping and it's adverts are misleading.'

Adam 'The Body' Toddy was talking exclusively to hard-hitting journalist and drummer (HAHAHAHAHA I wish I could make sweet, sweet love to the clever person who came up with that!) Niall 'Hot Knees' McCamley. They are currently planning to visit local schools to highlight the pros and cons of jumping in public. Their talk is called "The Boy Who Jumped At The Sun And Got Mild Sunburn As A Result. An Entertaining Audio-Visual Warning About Jumping in Public".

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